Why is there no channel one on television?

It doesn't make sense!

Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, but hot dog buns come in packages of eight?

Just like having Chewbacca here,

IT DOESN'T MAKES SENSE!

These are examples of ...

Weird Conspiracies Involving Space Aliens

• Everything from Onions to Pneumatic Drills
• 2001-11-10
• Soft Drink Boxes
• Ricky Martin
• JOLT Cola
• Workohol
• Remembrance Day and D-Day
• 1999-06-03
• Pedophiles
• The Kennedy Family Deaths
• The Aryan Race

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Everything from Onions to Pneumatic Drills

At the start of grade eight, I found a marketing phrase too confusing to be of human origin: "We have everything from onions to pneumatic drills!"

Usually, when a person talks about something that is from something to something, they're referring to a range. "From 1 to 10", for example, suggests every number from 1 to 10. "From Toronto to Ottawa" suggests everything between the city of Toronto and the city of Ottawa, or perhaps travelling between the two.

This "from X to Y" semantic can also refer to steps or milestones. For example, "from the egg to the chicken", or "from the abacus to the calculator".

What connection can there be between onions and pneumatic drills? Are there supermarkets that carry both of these items, and the phrase is meant to suggest all the aisles between their respective areas? Does a chef start a meal by slicing onions, and end it by using a pneumatic drill to serve the patrons?

Maybe there's a gradient of which I wasn't aware. Someone might not want an onion or a pneumatic drill, but rather a combination of the two. "I need something that's 50% onion and 50% pneumatic drill."

A lot of people say similar lines on occasion, but when asked why they wouldn't choose something more logical, they never have an explanation.

"There's everything from bicycles to Pez dispensers!" "I've seen everything from raw sewage to gazeboes!"

It's even more confusing when a third item is added. "Everything from onions to pneumatic drills to newspapers!"

An incredible amount of brain power must be wasted every time anyone tries to consciously or subconsciously understand this type of saying. If a race was to find a way of harnessing this energy, they could potentially have a source of fuel for intergalactic motherships. Such a race would likely also have the means to control a person's behaviour and make them say such phrases, thus making humans a veritable supply of limitless power. This could certainly be why people never understand why they say such things.

There's only one possible explanation...

Answer: WCISA

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2001-11-10

I was amused today when I thought about how today's date could be abbreviated as 11-10-01. These numbers, if they were binary instead of decimal, would convert to decimal as 3-2-1.

I'd found this to be simply a trivial fact until I opened my SETI@home client to check on the number of workunits my computer had completed. (SETI is the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence.) Imagine my shock when I found my completed workunit count to be at 321.

How can this be?

Answer: WCISA

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Soft Drink Boxes

Most soft drink companies are distributing the cans of their beverages in boxes now.

Why are the boxes advertised as "easy to open" when you can't help but tear them apart?

Answer: WCISA

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Ricky Martin

Highly acclaimed Latin singing star Ricky Martin has won numerous awards for his Latin music. I find this to be quite strange because none of his "Latin" songs contain a single word of Latin!

To everyone considering purchasing one of his "Latin" albums, let me just say "caveat emptor"!

Answer: WCISA

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JOLT Cola

This is a very obvious conspiracy I noticed:

1. Reverse the order of the letters in JOLT Cola.

aloC TLOJ

2. Change the spacings.

a loCT LOJ

3. Say what you are looking at aloud.

"A Locked Lodge"

Do I really need to explain what this is? Aw, heck, I'll put it in...

Answer: WCISA

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Workohol

In grade eleven English class, we studied an essay about a "workoholic".

If someone obsessed with alcohol is labelled an alcoholic, then shouldn't someone who is obsessed with work be called a workic? If not, then what is "workohol"?

"Workohol", "workic", and "workoholic" are NOT in the dictionary.

Why did my grade eleven English teacher -- a person who is supposed to be a master of the English language -- teach the class words that cannot be found in a book of the English language?

Answer: WCISA

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Remembrance Day and D-Day

What do Remembrance Day and D-Day have in common? Both of these days are dedicated to our Veterans who fought and died for our freedom. Both of these days are about events that happened in the "World Wars".

These two aspects you probably knew already. What you may not have realized was the dates: November 11 and June 6. These could also be written as: 11-11 and 6-6.

Does this not strike you as a little odd?

Answer: WCISA

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1999-06-03

WTF?! HOW DID MIKE HARRIS -- A MAN WHO WANTS SCHOOL YEAR-ROUND -- GET RE-ELECTED?!

Answer: WCISA

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Pedophiles

What motivates pedophiles to continue their practices? Would you believe...

THE GOVERNMENT?!!!

Allow me to elaborate. Television is among the most socially influential broadcast mediums in the world today, and advertisers know this. Advertisers will put out whatever material they can come up with to help sell their clients' products. But television has limits: no coarse language, no nudity, no sexuality, no controlled or illegal substance consumption, and no graphic content. The only way these rules can be broken is if there is first a warning posted for concerned viewers about the content their televisions are to convey. The government regulates television so that such content will not be displayed without the aforementioned cautionings. Because of the government, we don't observe coarse language, sexuality, consumption of controlled or illegal substances, or graphic content in regular advertisements.

Whoops, did I not mention nudity?

I exempted nudity from the list because there IS nudity shown in some television commercials: infant nudity. Seriously! In most diaper commercials, infants are shown with a lack of clothing, revealing areas of the human body that are not permitted to be shown on older humans in advertisements. When pedophiles are subjected to this type of material, they have the bizarre tendency to become sexually aroused and want to perform certain acts that are -- thankfully -- illegal in this country. The government allows this type of nudity to be shown as if it were perfectly acceptable. If this infant nudity in television commercials trend continues, pedophiles can claim their deeds were inspired by the government's way of saying, "it's okay to objectify infants as opposed to portraying them as the sentient entities that they are".

Why would the government be engaging in such an insidious act?

Answer: WCISA

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The Kennedy Family Deaths

In the 1960s, former United States President John Fitzgerald Kennedy said, "We choose to go to the moon and do the other things ...". Since the early days of the SETI program, United States television broadcasts have been sent into outer space to hopefully one day attract the attention of extraterrestrial intelligence.

The space aliens heard this President Kennedy guy say "we choose to go to the moon", and they thought, "Wow! This Kennedy family is capable of venturing into space!" But then they heard him say "and do the other things", and they thought, "What? They can go into space, and they want to do the other things? We're other things! They want to do us in? DESTROY US?!"

So, the space aliens got all paranoid and deduced that the only way to stay alive was to stop the Kennedy family. Of course, time machines are something that space aliens have had for a very long time, and I don't mean clocks. Using their time machines, the space aliens went back in time to tell the governments of the day to start killing off the Kennedy family. Every time the space aliens' paranoia got back up, they told the government to do in another.

The government, space aliens, time machines, assassinations -- what does all this mean?

Answer: WCISA

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The Aryan Race

Adolf Hitler believed that people who had a different colour of skin were inferior humans. Another thing Hitler believed was that the "perfect" race would have blue eyes and blonde hair. Hitler called his perfect breed of humans "The Aryan Race".

In a television commercial for a SKIN conditioning product, a group of teenagers were asked to describe the "PERFECT" human of the opposite gender. Each teenager said he or she would have blonde hair.

Why are there so many families of humans shown in television commercials with blonde hair and/or blue eyes? Even when I was at school, I heard students describing people with blue eyes and/or blonde hair as "perfect".

Is Hitler still alive, or is it just his followers? Or maybe there is something much more devious in the works?

Answer: WCISA